Complicated

by Kaya

Recently, life seems to have become more complicated. And not just because the pop-rock song “Complicated” by Avril Lavigne keeps running through my head after I acknowledged this fact, thus replacing “Who Let the Dogs Out?” as the song that prevents me experiencing a single moment of serenity. It just seems that in the past few weeks my life became much more “real”.

In many ways I welcome the issues that arise in becoming an “adult”. I enjoy much that goes with this and I wouldn’t have it any other way. I also am unable to prevent the passage of time and see no reason to wish I was 20 years old again…which, I actually don’t wish for. I like myself a lot more now than I did then and have much more happiness and, once the songs leave my brain, serenity.

While I’m in the thick of wedding planning (this weekend was partially spent looking at party rental equipment, pricing wedding rings and registering for gifts) my fiancé and I are also looking into buying a house in San Diego. Aside from the absurd prices (we saw a 975 square foot home with 2 bedrooms/1 bath for $700,000) is the commitment to a massive loan -- the aptly named “jumbo loan”. All the while, I’m figuring out what I actually want to do for a living. My tech job ended and I’ve been substitute teaching. I feel closer and closer to figuring out where I want to invest myself, but there are up and down days with the process. Oh, and we’re talking about when we want to have kids, which will be fairly soon.

So…for those of you keeping score at home, my mind is busy with thoughts of Wedding, Career, Home and Children.

I know I’m wonderfully blessed to have these amazing opportunities in front of me, and I generally look at all of this with a smile. I’m not saying it’s bad – in fact I think all of this is pretty amazing – but I do feel that it’s complicated.

It just feels like my life has become beautifully complex in the past few weeks and I’m a tad overwhelmed by it all.

I find myself wanting to fast-forward a year or two to look back at this time of uncertainty from a more secure place. And yet I know that it will always be a process – that there won’t be a “secure place”. I’ll always be on a journey. There is no final destination that I will reach when it’s all figured out and I’ve resolved every aspect of my life. I’m working on welcoming the reality of constant seeking.

I feel like I’ve been pulling clothes out of my closet to prepare for a trip. I keep finding more and more clothes to consider and the piles are getting larger and larger. I can’t seem to commit to putting any of those clothes into the suitcase, zipping it shut and get going.

Still, I remain optimistic. It all has a way of working out, even if it’s not as expected. I’m sure every little piece of marriage, home, career and children will be different than I expected…and wonderful. I’m also marrying an amazing and funny woman who I can’t wait to be an adult with and that helps keep me smiling.

If I have kids, I won’t pass on the torturous songs stuck in my head, will I? Those poor kids, they'll never know who let the dogs out.