Communication Breakdown

by Dlove

Miscommunications are probably the biggest reason for conflicts in this world. If we could all simply communicate with each other so that we’d each understand the other, we’d live in sweet harmony. It seems like such an easy concept, but to make someone truly understand your perspective sometimes seems impossible. Or, it only seems possible to really understand some else’s perspective in hindsight, after the damage has already been done.

“Oh shit. You don’t like to be peed on. My bad.”

With men and women as different as they are, it is no wonder that there are so many miscommunications between us. I envy gay men because they can avoid a lot of the hassle of dating and relationships. They can instantly understand the perspective of the person they’re dating; another gay man. In contrast, men and women sometimes seem to speak a completely different language. I’m sure most of you have received at least one or two forwarded emails about what a man/woman says and what he/she really means (we all have that “friend” who always forwards those little jokes and chain emails. Yeah, those are really funny. Ha ha, motherfucker). Those dumb little lists are true, in a way. Women and men are into different things, generally. They are marketed to separately. They like different movies, books and TV shows. Hell, women have a whole TV network! It makes sense that there will be miscommunications between the sexes.

I started dating a woman a few months ago. She’s a wonderful woman and we get along well. She makes me laugh and I’m very attracted to her. She has accomplished a lot in her life and I’m impressed with her as a person. As with any woman, I expected that there would be some miscommunications, however, the fact that she is from Korea added a whole new dimension to the misunderstandings we could have. Not only did I have to deal with the very real misunderstandings that can occur because of the differences in male and female culture, but I also had to deal with the misunderstandings that arise from cultural differences related to geography.

Korea is a very conservative place and this woman was from a traditional family. America, in comparison, is a very liberal place. You can walk into porn shops in most areas of the U.S. and walk out with a bag full of porn, a dildo, some lingerie, and condoms. The woman I was dating had never seen porn and didn’t know anything about dildos. I, on the other hand, am very liberal, even by American standards. I find it very difficult to meet women because, at least here in San Diego, they’re a little conservative for my taste.

I have a personals ad online. I posted a picture of myself standing in front of one of my paintings; a huge rooster). The headline of my ad is: “Check Out My Big Cock!” which I think is funny. In the picture, I’m standing in front of a big rooster, or cock. Get it? Hee hee! The headlines from some people are so typically lame and guys’ headlines in particular can be extremely sexual. I thought the pun was funny on its own, but then the fact that it’s a headline for a personals ad adds a whole new level of irony that I think is fucking hilarious.

Needless to say, I don’t get many responses, which is why I was very intrigued when S got in touch with me. In my profile I’m very straightforward about the fact that I like to smoke weed and that I’m a bit on the wild side. As I went through S’s profile, I didn’t understand why she’d want to get to know me. I really wasn’t what she was looking for. Regardless, we struck up an online conversation. She said she wanted to try something new and different and that she was interested in meeting up with me. I was willing to give it a try. She seemed nice and at least I’d be meeting someone new even if there wasn’t a connection.

It was only later in our relationship that she told me that she never really understood the headline of my ad. That small misunderstanding was indicative of what was to come throughout our relationship. Misunderstanding after misunderstanding. We’d have an argument, we’d pinpoint the misunderstanding through discussion and make sure that each understood the perspective of the other. Most of our miscommunication stemmed from our different upbringings. For example, when S found out I lived with my girlfriend for 2 ½ years, she freaked out completely. It was entirely out of her scope to imagine living with someone before marriage. She was very conservative and sheltered despite being an international traveler and businessperson. I couldn't understand her negative reaction and she couldn't express to me immediately why she was so shocked. I got defensive and told her she'd either have to live with it or we'd have to end things since the fact I'd lived with my ex was something I couldn't possibly change. This made her defensive. And the cycle continued until we got to the bottom of our misunderstanding.

S has a lot of pressure to uphold a certain image of herself for her family. S couldn’t tell her own sister who lives with her that we were dating because it might become gossip in Korea that would hurt the family reputation. I have never met someone who is so eager to maintain a façade in order to please others, even if it means she can’t truly be herself around those she loves the most. I said it seemed dishonest. She thought it was merely being “less open.”

The one thing about having the freedom to do what you want to do when you want to do it is that, once you have that, there’s no going back. As long as you’re not a complete idiot and you get caught, you can pretty much do whatever you want in this country. There was no way that I was ever going to become “less open” about my life, and there was no way she was ever going to be more open to changing hers. Our cultural differences created conflicts that, eventually, could not be overcome. We have acknowledged this to each other and we’re trying to be friends. It’s a little less responsibility. As lovers we couldn’t work things out, but as friends I think I can have enough patience to try to understand her better. That’s what it all comes down to: Patience. It’s one of the hardest lessons to learn in life. I would rather walk away from the relationship and practice being patient with her as a friend than continue to get frustrated by our misunderstandings as lovers. Maybe someday we’ll each understand the other well enough to try again.