Exclamation Points...to the Extreme!!!!!

by Kaya

Have extreme sports lost their edge? There was a time when every soda, candy, snack food or hamburger was advertised with a young, hip dude sky surfing, bungee jumping or skateboarding across an urban landscape with half a dozen sparklers dipped in kerosene crammed securely in his rectum.

“When I’m not doing a 360 double-fakey backside on a street luge course while pondering my next No Fear tattoo, I drink Mountain Dew. Do the Dew, Dudes!”

The promise of non-traditional athletic ability delivered by means of the latest pizza-flavored chip or cracker seems to be over.

Extreme sport competitions such as the X-games and Gravity Games still appear to thrive. These massive, heavily sponsored gatherings give closure, once and for all, to the never-ending barroom discussions on which country has the best “Inline Skating Vert” competitor (In 2003 it was Japan). Besides, how else would up and coming punk/pop bands showcase their radio-friendly aggression and spiked hair enthusiasm. Eleven year-olds can mosh to pseudo-punk songs geared towards high school sophomores with titles like “My Step-Dad’s New Girlfriend is Hot,” “Hall Monitor Prick,” and “Prom is for Fags.” A rock group of bad-boy punkers with boy-band faces -- it’s a marketer’s dream.

These events also allow spectators an opportunity to sample the latest energy “soft” drink infused with 43 heart-attack inducing herbs* (*this statement has not been evaluated by the FDA) from deep within the Amazon jungle…and a little bit of crystal meth thrown in for good measure.

Tween #1: “Man, this new drink, “Crank-in-a-Can,” rocks! I can’t stop my teeth from chattering, I can feel my hair follicles slowly growing out the top of my head and I want to punch my Dad in the face! The Amazon rules!”

Tween #2: “Well I can’t see straight and I think I just involuntarily evacuated my bowels!

Tweens #1 and #2: “AWESOME!””

Perhaps a new angle in an effort to preserve the rain forests isn’t on saving animals or the discovery of possible medicines that could cure the world’s diseases, but on protecting the previously unknown plants that can give you a killer rush. Ruining the rainforest of today will rob future generations of the energy drinks of tomorrow. Perhaps the presence of an environmental organization will give more legitimacy to the other promotions at the X-Games. We’ll put the “Tomorrow’s Wondrous Environment Accomodating Kids” (or “TWEAK”) booth next to the Latch-Key Kid brand bit-size pizza pocket poppers.

These magical 250 ml energy drinks are educational as well. The list of ingredients reads like a Dr. Seuss book:

“This drink you’ll enjoy, whether you’re a girl or a boy. It’s got Ginseng and Gingko Biloba, Fluggedy-Fleed and Pica-di-Pohba. Some Guarana to get you on your way and Whoopadeedonga to trick the FDA. This snazzy little can is full of chemicals-a-swimmin’. Not recommended for children or sissy, pregnant women.”

Yep, this is what we want in a kid’s hands before they try to concentrate on doing a back flip while roller-blading on a half-pipe made of cement. I think I preferred young people drinking a 64 ounce, super-duper-ridiculously-Big Gulp of Pepsi. At least I’ve heard of sugar and caffeine. I’m not sure what Ma Huang and McFluzzelarinium does to a little girl’s internal organs, but apparently it gives her the confidence to video tape herself skateboarding off the roof of her elementary school.

In my day, we needed PCP to jump off roofs. Kids today are so spoiled.

So what to do about the lull in extreme sports? Perhaps it’s time to introduce some new events to the X-games. Time to up the ante and give fast food restaurants and soda companies new ways to promote their products.

Am I qualified to suggest new extreme sports? While times have changed, I still think of myself as ‘Old School” as I began skateboarding 25 years ago. I rode my thin, brightly colored plastic board through the neighborhood, and the sport was still known as “Sidewalk Surfing.” Later, we got wooden decks, like they use today, except we had tons of guards on them. Rail guards, nose guard, trucks guard and even a guard for the “heel” of the board. With my cloth knee and elbow pads, the only real injury we could get was to our shoes (and ego). My Buster Brown sneakers had the heels rubbed down to sharp 45 degree slopes from sitting on my board and riding down the hills using my heels as a brake.

Man, were we lame. Then again, we didn’t have the benefits of “Crank-in-a-Can.”

While I may not be completely tapped into the extreme scene, I propose the following suggestions to grab the attention of the mainstream audience again.

1. Bungee Contact Lens Removal
One contact lens wearing participant must stand beneath a crane looking directly up with eyes wide open. The partner bungee jumps from 120 feet above to cautiously remove the standing partner’s contact lens before the cord snaps the jumper back into the air. Points are deducted for missed lens’, poked eyes and screaming “Oh my god, my eye! My eye!”

2. Body Art Algebra
Five Algebraic equations must be completed within a five-minute time limit. With a tattoo gun. On your own skin. All work must be shown, however a 3x5 card with formulas written on them may be used.

3. Sky Meal Preparation
Sky surfing, parachuting, sky diving – big deal. This event involves preparing the Indian dish Chicken Masala while freefalling from 10,000 feet. Onions must be finely chopped, chicken marinated and coriander ground before pulling parachute...or crashing to one’s death.

4. Scorpion Backgammon
This one’s pretty self-explanatory.

5. Cadbury Cream Egg Century Club Street Luge
Combining the best of eating competitions and extreme games, competitors must eat one Cadbury Cream Egg per minute for 100 minutes while racing down the hills of San Francisco on a street luge. And there’s bears chasing them...with nun-chucks. And spectators shoot paintball guns at them...but the paintballs are filled with hot oil. And those robots from the show where the robots fight each other with circular saws and spikes are also waiting for them along the course.

Oh, and there’s probably some hot girls in bikinis somewhere, too.