Possible Side Effects...

by Kaya

I’ll just go ahead and say it; the advertising for prescription medication is the most entertaining and humorous programming on television today. Not since Urkel was fresh on the scene have I been so entranced by TV. I love these ads! The promise of a beautiful tomorrow where gentle smiles adorn every face, soft lighting shines in every room and possible side effects may prevent you from ever enjoying a potentially social situation without dry mouth and loose stool. A harsh price for good lighting and forgiving smiles, if you ask me.

The idea of advertising for prescription drugs is a bit unsettling as it is. I don’t expect doctors to flawlessly assess every client, but I fear patients diagnosing themselves because the moderately attractive spokesperson’s message really resonated with them.

“Hey Doc, I need that purple pill – like the guy eating the chili-cheese dog was taking in the commercial.”
“Actually, I recommend you don’t eat chili-cheese dogs due to your other health concerns.”
“No, you don’t understand, this pill makes it okay to eat whatever you want. Trust me, I saw the ad. Everyone looked real happy in it. Great lighting.”

The real reason why I think prescription ads are the greatest part of TV is the mandatory description of possible side effects. How has practically every other product escaped this forced truth in advertising, but not prescription drugs? I cherish the moment the entrancing, thoughtful music and flowing images are shattered by the horrific list of what might happen to you if you actually used this drug.

A woman is standing in a field of vibrant daisies holding a pastel colored sheet high in the air. Her arms are stretched out in exaltation while a confident smile celebrates her serenity. The wind gently keeps the sheet flowing and her light brown hair dancing. This is how we want to feel. Then the soft, low voice chimes in like an early alarm clock harshly waking you during a dream involving spreading a thin layer of vanilla frosting on the cast of “Charmed.”

“Claritin may not be for everyone. Possible side effects include dwarfism, searing genital pain sluggishness, and thunderous diarrhea. Some study participants showed double-jointedness, the ability to communicate with toast and renewed interest in Flemish paintings, particularly the works of Van Dyke and Rubens – symptoms similar to those taking a sugar pill soaked in LSD.

Pregnant women should not take Claritin as they may give birth to a superhuman race devoid of compassion and capable of killing dolphins, otters and other mid-sized sea mammals with their ultra-advanced mind powers. Ask your doctor is Claritin is right for you.”

Whoa. I’d like to be calming smiling in a field of flowers, but does the diarrhea need to be ‘thunderous?’ I don’t think I’d smile calmly given any of those symptoms…unless the toast told me to do so.

I only wish all products had to be so honest.

“Continued use of Miller High Life beer may cause unattractive people to become more sexually appealing. Late night cravings for pancakes and gravy were seen in some test subjects as well as nausea, regret and apathy. Karaoke singing and philosophical discussions should not be attempted while using Miller High Life.”

Or perhaps:

"Research showed that most purchasers of the “Thigh Master” used the product only once or twice. Subjects felt enticed by the ease of use showed in the informational commercial, but were sincerely lazier than they had believed at time of purchase. In rare cases, drunken male subjects bought the product hoping to meet spokesmodel Suzanne Sommers. The “Thigh Master” is meant as an artist addition to one’s living space and should not be used as an exercise device. "

I gotta run…I think my Claritin is kicking in. Whoa…how could I have overlooked the merits of Flemish painting for so long?