Viva la Underwear Revolucion!

by Kaya

It’s a great time to be a nut sack.

Never before in history has so much time, research and technology gone into keeping a man’s goodies comfortable. While I’ve only taken a few courses in the history of male undergarments, I can assure you that we men (and our loins) have never had it so good. There is a below-the-belt, behind-the-scenes, under-the-trousers revolution going on.

I went into a Jockey store recently. Not the underwear section at a department store, but a Jockey-specific store. Had it been in a department store, it would’ve needed its own wing (perhaps the Wang Wing?) There were wall to wall undergarments. Like a kid in a…well, in an underwear store -- I marveled at what lay before me, behind me and beside me. So much underwear. How could shopping for underwear be overwhelming?

I knew I needed to get more underwear. While I’m partial to the metrosexual preferred boxer-briefs, I had a specific undergarment need to meet. When exercising I like the snugness of briefs to keep the baby-makers sheltered and close to the mother ship. I’ve worn boxers before, and frankly, I don’t get it. Besides the obvious tickling, when I have to hold my crotch while walking up or down stairs because my underwear offers no support, there is a problem. A woman wouldn’t wear a t-shirt and call it a bra, why do men wear a pair of thin shorts and call it underwear? (I also wouldn’t stick a feather in my hat and call it ‘macaroni’…but I digress.)

Wearing boxers only provides one positive outcome – it offers a layer of material between your nugs and your pants. In fact, preventing your genitals and their perspiration from rubbing on your pants *is* essential (and one of the top reasons for wearing underwear). However, you could be getting so much more from your chonies. Just as women find it uncomfortable to jog without a snug bra to support their breasts, don’t most men find it awkward to run (much less ascend or descend a staircase) without proper support? Wearing two pairs of shorts hardly seems like adequate support when exercising.

Which brings me back to the Jockey store. I figured I’d go in, find some skivvies in my size, throw down a few bucks and I’m out of there. In and out.

There would be no time spent in the changing room (I at least hoped they don’t let you try on the underwear). I wouldn’t be bogged down by an overwhelming variety of styles. And I imagined there would be no salespeople going on and on about how great my butt looked in whatever I was trying on (don’t the people at The Gap know I’m on to their little ‘ass flattery’ trick?)

Not so fast my friend. With literally thousands of different types of underwear to choose from, I was mesmerized.

How could there be so many ways to protect and provide comfort to my genitals? There were different cuts (bikini, Micro-3, classic cut, pouch brief, classic nylon, tall man, big man, midrise no-fly, classic low-rise, denim, stretch rib, no fly lo-rise, Dri-Y sport, string bikini and even thongs for men. Women, apparently, no longer have a lock on material wedges up their bum. Hurray for equality.), lycra, cotton, lycra/cotton blend, colors, whites, sport, casual, creamy, chunky, and on and on. It was as if NASA had taken an interest in keeping my groin comfy. What a time to be a nut sack!

My stunned look tipped off the saleswoman that I was stuck like a deer in…well, in underwear lights. At this point I imagined she was going to don rubber gloves and ask me to drop my drawers to make a proper recommendation for my particular genital covering needs. “Ah, the left ball is lower than the right and your wang has a slight curve to the left. You’re gonna want to go with the T-7 series lycra/cotton poly-blend lo-rise.”

After 37 hours of negotiating between hundreds of briefs and brief consultations with my attorney, the US Consulate and a 1-800 psychic line, I chose three different pairs (although, it’s not so much a ‘pair’ as it is one piece of underwear). One classic cut, cotton blue. One midrise, no-fly sport. And one Dri-Y ribbed. It sounded more like I was buying bait to go fishing. If we’re going to have the most advanced groin cozies in the world, I might as well take advantage of the variety.

I’ve been going over the owner’s manual for the undergarments I bought. I watched one of the instruction videos and it seems fairly straight forward. Apparently I can render myself sterile if I simply ‘throw-on’ my midrise, no-fly sport briefs so I’m not taking any chances. I’m on chapter 6 in the manual and I can now legally adjust the elastic while wearing the underwear. The Jockey apparel instruction night classes were part of the price so three nights a week I’ll be getting further teaching on how to get the most out of my bun-huggers.

I also applied for another pair still in development. If NASA decides that my sack fits their requirements, I could have the forefront of technological advancement literally grazing my junk with every step. Sure I have to wake up 2 hours earlier than I used to (per the instructions in the manual), but now my perfectly contoured bum will give those flattering Gap girls something to talk about.

Viva la revolucion!