November 03, 2003
I think we can all agree that sex between two willing partners is a good thing. If it’s done correctly, it almost always feels good. In fact, it feels great. I’d be willing to even say it may be one of the most pleasurable sensory experiences on the planet. It wouldn’t surprise me to find out that most people feel this way. Thus, it’s probably not too shocking for you to hear that I want sex. In fact, I wouldn’t be shocked to find out that you want sex, too. Male or female, we all want to have sex. So, what’s the big deal? How come we all went home alone at the end of Saturday night?
A conversation I had this morning crystallized things for me. Yes, men and women both want sex, but our views on how to negotiate the sexual act diverge dramatically. What it comes down to is this: in general, men are able to enjoy the physical act of sex without getting emotionally intimate and women aren’t. As I write that blanket statement, I can already feel the waves of protest to it. There are many, many exceptions, but on the whole, in my experience, women want more than just a hard cock for the night. In contrast, a man will gratefully accept a one-night stand if the saintly woman he is chatting with offers it to him. The man who makes this offer to a woman will, in most instances, receive a slap in the face or a drink dumped over his head.
I’m not trying to say that men don’t want relationships. I think they do. In fact, one of the best things about being in a relationship is the constant sex. I might even go as far as saying that many men get into relationships specifically for the constant sex. I have to admit that it’s a pretty great thing to really dig a woman, be attracted to her, and repeatedly fuck her silly. To be in love with the person you’re fucking is, obviously, the ideal sexual experience, but are we doomed to celibacy until we find that person? You can live your life that way, but I’m not going to. If sex is one of the most pleasurable sensory experiences out there, I’m going to do what I can to experience it.
Unfortunately for straight men, most women don’t feel this way (although some do). They want something “special” with the person they’re fucking. I can completely understand this desire. During sex, a man is basically invading the woman’s body with his own body. One might argue it becomes equally intimate for the man, even though he is the one who is doing the invading. Regardless, the difference is that a man’s desire to feel the most pleasurable sensory experience he can imagine overrides his fear of being physically intimate with a stranger. In women, it doesn’t.
I have had very little experience with the lesbian lifestyle, but I have been fortunate to observe the gay male lifestyle through my gay friends. For two years I lived next door to Gay M. During those two years, Gay M was never desperate for sex. As a gay man, it was easy for him to find other gay men that wanted to have sex. As he always says; “With gay men, there’s no ‘no factor.’” In other words, if you want to fuck, you just tell the person you want to fuck that you want to fuck him and, generally, he’s going to say yes.
As a straight man, this concept blows me away. If things worked that way between women and men the world would be a different place. We’d definitely be a lot more connected to our fellow human beings. Yes, STDs and AIDS are a reality, but if we felt more connected with each other, we’d probably be a lot more careful about the shit we were spreading around to others. If we were all sexually active all the time, it would become a necessity to constantly get ourselves checked out for STDs. If you wanted to participate in the sexual free-for-all, you’d have to have recent documentation of your STD-free status.
If we all fucked each other without all of the emotional intimacy that comes with it, we’d probably be a more relaxed society also. I know I get pretty tense when I haven’t been with a woman in awhile. Yes, I can masturbate to release that tension, but as anyone will tell you, it’s just not the same. I’m a pretty relaxed guy by nature, but sometimes that tension builds and even I can get a little snappy and tense. If we were all having sex regularly, we’d all be a lot happier. The fact of the matter is that sex is an emotionally intimate act. That’s fine. I think it should be. I think it should be an intense positive exchange physically, emotionally and spiritually. When that exchange is over, however, that intensity doesn’t necessarily continue to exist.
Why can’t sex be like a good, pleasurable game? At the end of the game, both sides have played well and reached a satisfactory conclusion. The players shake hands (kiss?) and call it a day. Maybe it is more like theater. Two actors enter the stage of the bedroom and take on their roles. They go through a series of acts which eventually results in the climax of the plot, the resolution, and then the curtain falls. After the play, the actors put on their street clothes and continue their normal lives.
Honestly, I think I’ve just stumbled upon the crux of the problem: men are virtually guaranteed a “good game;” one where they feel satisfied. Women, on the other hand, are usually disappointed with the “game.” Often, the man only cares about his own pleasure and doesn’t think about the equal exchange of energy. The woman simply isn’t satisfied. What a mess. The question then becomes, how do I, as a man, assure the woman that I will be generous during the sexual game?
The rabbit hole just goes deeper and deeper and the fact still remains that the one proposition I did get this weekend was from a man. I didn’t take him up on it, because I’m not attracted to men. However, I could appreciate and understand his straightforwardness. What it comes down to is this: both men and women have to be more giving to each other. Men have to do what they can to give women explosive orgasms and women have to give us more opportunities toby Dlove at November 3, 2003 01:33 AM